I failed again…or did I?

Coming back with a different mindset.

It has been a while since my last post so please accept my apology for that.

My goal when I started this new chapter in my life was to post something, anything, at least once a week on the blog and I have already failed that task. So what now?

Well, I have had time to think things through and am ready to re-focus, regain my confidence and work towards a new goal. Starting with not beating myself up every single time things do not go as I had hoped; even the best laid plans can be fucked up.

Shit has this knack of hitting the fan when you least expect it. So on reflection, I did not really fail; life just got in the way.

Maya Quote2

 

 

In the beginning…

Sincere apologies for the delay in posting. It has been a really shite and conflicting couple of weeks but I have had a lot of thinking time. Out of the many decisions I have had to make in that time, one of them is to devote more time to this blog; it took me long enough to pluck up the courage to start one and to publish my first post. As of today, I will try my best to post at least once a week so heartfelt thanks for sticking with me.

Trigger Warning…

This post may contain triggers for some of you. If you feel uncomfortable in any way, I feel for you but most importantly, you need to look after you; stop reading until you are in a better place emotionally to continue; if you want to.

What a life’s journey I have been on; dark times, bad memories intermingled with good times and light at the end of what seemed like a never-ending, fucked up tunnel.

Things I never questioned, thinking that’s just how it was supposed to be. Things I wanted to question but never had the courage to.

So when did my journey of self-discovery begin? At the ripe old age of 49! Why so late you may think. Hell why not, everything in its time!

After years of self-destructive behaviour, negative and unhealthy relationship patterns it was time to seek ‘professional’ help (ok, forced to after a meltdown on a routine visit to my doctor for piles)!

My prescription – referral for counselling; with a sigh of relief mixed with apprehension and trepidation, I realised this course of action was well overdue. I needed help to understand why the child I was shaped me into the woman I now am. I needed it so I could break free from the vulnerability, shame, guilt and loneliness that I had felt for so many years.

Let the healing begin…

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A Poem of Truth…

Trigger Warning…

This post may contain triggers for some of you. If you feel uncomfortable in any way, I feel for you but most importantly, you need to look after you so please stop reading. Or if you want to, come back when you are in a better place emotionally to continue reading.

 

I’m a survivor of  most ‘things’ dark

My life has never been a walk in the park

It began aged 7, what should I do

Tell a mum I’m not close to who gets beaten black and blue

Had no clue these acts would shape who I was  for years

Abuse after abuse always ending in tears

They all seemed to know how to feed on my fears

As I got older, my heart grew colder

My faith in boys, girls, men and women diminished

They abused friendships, mind and body; I was finished

Self-destruction became my reality

Raving, smoking, drinking and promiscuity

All fuelled my need, my hunger, my drive

If truth be told, I’m lucky to be alive

Did it phase me? Of course not. No-one knew, no-one would care

Left with no self-worth and zero self-esteem

Feeling ‘normal’ was an impossible dream

Or so it seemed…

LL.

Listen

Pressing the Publish button…

I would not call myself a blogger, more a 50 something mum who has kept diaries and journals for over 36 years now. So why then have I decided to put those innermost thoughts, feelings and experiences on a blogging site for all to see?

I am at a place in my life where I felt ready to share my journey in the hope of reaching out and helping others who may be going through similar issues/or has been through similar issues. If I can help just one person by sharing my experiences on here, then I will continue sharing. If I do not manage to help anyone at all that would be a shame but I will still continue sharing; writing helps me reflect.

My journey has not been pretty and if by some miracle anyone decides to read my ‘blogs’ I must warn you before I finally click on publish (gosh that’s still a scary thought); the content will be raw, honest, emotional and definitely shocking.

Right here goes after goodness knows how many months hiding in the draft posts section…No wait…Need a drink for courage.

You know what, I am just going to do it. Please be patient with me and hopefully the novice look and ramblings etc. will be seen as a work in progress…CLICK

LL.